Listen or Your Tongue Will Make You Deaf
Do You Want to Listen, or Do You Want to Be Right?
You may think you’re a good listener, but are you really? When someone is talking, are you listening to UNDERSTAND or to REPLY?
If someone talks to you about a topic you feel strongly about and disagree with, do you try to understand them without judgment, or are you preparing your rebuttal? As you read this post, think about your teammates at work, your partner, your kids, your family members. Grade yourself on a scale of 1-10. How good of a listener are you in each of your relationships with the people who matter most?
“Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf.” ~Cherokee proverb
For 20+ years in corporate America, I taught a 3-day workshop called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, based on the book by Stephen R. Covey. It fundamentally changed how I think and behave and has positively impacted my life and those around me.
Habit 5, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood,” changed how I communicate in emotional situations, and it’s proven effective for my students who adopted the practices. I used them at home and in the conversations I facilitated to help people resolve conflict/s.
People are passionate about all sorts of things. Passion + positive intent + constructive action drives change. However, constructive and sustainable change may not occur, no matter how passionate you are, if you argue, raise your voice or walk away. If the relationship is important to you, you have to engage on differences that matter. What about the small stuff? Walk away, my friend. I’ve heard people bicker over whether a birthday party happened last February or March. In the end, who cares? If it doesn’t matter in the long-run, let it be.
Seeking to understand while listening builds trust. Interrupting, arguing, rolling your eyes or getting sarcastic depletes trust and damages relationships.
This process bring clarity on the issues and solutions to complex problems. Once you understand each other (even if you still disagree), move to a solution around your commonalities and shared wants. The best idea is often not one person’s or the other’s. Two or more people’s ideas can build on each other or be an entirely new idea neither side has thought of before.
Technology Can Hurt in Times of Conflict
I see a lot of passionate social media posts on the meaty topics of the day. I also read the counter-arguments. Usually, they go on without anyone changing their position, learning anything or seeing things differently. Some have gotten so testy and mean-spirited that relationships have fallen apart over it.
One study by Mehrabian and Albert says that:
-7% of our meaning is understood by the words we say.
-38% of our meaning is understood by our tone of voice and style.
-55% of our meaning is understood by our facial expressions and body language.
Social media and text messages can’t effectively convey the above, and relationships can suffer.
I’ve been talking about how you should listen without the intent to reply or rebut. But what about the other person? Clearly this works best if both people play by the same rules. If the other party won’t–all you can do is control your own behavior. Be the role model. Show how it’s done.
“It seems rather incongruent that in a society of super-sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.” ~Erma Bombeck
Here’s a fun video that shows a couple trying to resolve a conflict by listening to understand. IT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL
I NEED YOUR HELP, POR FAVOR
Tell me what you thought about the book, and if you would kindly do me a favor, post your review on every website you can think of, such as Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Goodreads, TikTok, Instagram, your personal Facebook page, etc. Your vote of confidence in Not That Kind of Call Girl will go a long way in helping to promote the book. ¡Muchas gracias!
PS: Knowing that many of Julia’s experiences were my own, you might wonder how my son turned out. Well, as Mary Poppins might say, he’s practically perfect in every way. I’m not biased or anything!
Author Nova García hails from Laredo, Texas. Her Mexican-American family is a source of great pride. Not That Kind of Call Girl is her first book in the women’s fiction genre.
Nova writes to dispel Latino stereotypes and recognize women for the everyday miracles they make possible with determination, smarts and a generous helping of kick-a** attitude. She knows postpartum depression first-hand and wants women around the world to know they’re not alone.